I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
