You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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