Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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