Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
