I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
