Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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