We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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