Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
