You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I will pee on everything he values.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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