Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The ass gains better be worth it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
