I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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