There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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