Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
