i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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