I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
