Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
