how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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