If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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