So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
