my phone needs a breathalizer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
