I CAN MOONWALK!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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