Swine flu is the new snow day.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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