I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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