woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm gonna fight the coyote
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
