i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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