my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
