If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
