If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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