I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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