he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
