my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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