Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Did I show you my penis last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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