We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
