One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
