it hurts more in the daytime
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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