i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
