YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
