I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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