even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Slut skills are useful in every country.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
