Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
