Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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