my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
