Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
