is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
