Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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