the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
A+ Viking dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
