I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
