sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
