I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
