This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
