I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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