How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
