Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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