my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
if only i could text you this smell
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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