You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
