sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
