No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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