i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
