I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
