now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
